Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Baby Names
While we were in the Outer Banks over Thanksgiving, I had the chance to walk the beach alone and spend some time in prayer. I was specifically talking to God about our baby. I asked Him to take care of our little one and to guide me in helping others who have experienced this kind of loss.
Along the way, I picked up a stick and wrote the names Claren and Nolan in the sand. Since I miscarried at 8 weeks, I don't know if our baby was a boy or a girl. Claren is the name we picked out for a little girl the first time I was pregnant. The name is in memory of Eric's favorite grandfather, Clarence. Since we have two sons, we never got to use this name. When we told our sons that I was pregnant, we asked them to come up with a boy's name because we didn't have any in mind. They came up with Nolan. Eric and I really liked it.
I think our sons wanted a little brother, but I just have the feeling our baby was a girl. I always thought we'd have two sons close in age and then a daughter a few years down the road. Our boys are 2 1/2 years apart. They would have been 14 and 11 1/2 when the baby was born. (That's a little more "down the road" than I expected!) When I imagine what our life would have been like right now, I see a baby girl with her big brothers doting on her. I see pink clothing and little hair bows (even though I can't do hair!). I hear her "oohing and ahhhing" over the Christmas tree lights. This would have been her first Christmas, and I can feel the excitement of celebrating the season with a new babe in the house.
I know God has his reasons for keeping our child with Him and that he or she is so blessed to be in His presence right now. But I still long for what might have been.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Book Review: Unforgotten Children
Kristie Verret is the author of the new book Unforgotten Children: A Testimony of God's Healing Through Miscarriage.
I have only met Kristie online. In April of this year, I read an article that she had written on Christian Women Online. To my surprise, she replied back to me. Then I think I checked out her blog, she read mine, and we began corresponding via email. Kristie invited me to do a pregnancy loss Bible study with her online. I accepted. (Although, I still have 2 more chapters to do!)
She had told me that she was writing a book about the loss of her two daughters, Elizabeth and Sammi. Although the official release date of Unforgotten Children was December 1, I was able to order a copy early. It is a quick and easy read (not emotionally easy), and I think it will speak to every mom who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, or early infant loss.
Kristie is quite candid about her thoughts and feelings regarding the loss of her two daughters...two beautiful babies born to Heaven. I miscarried last year during the 8th week of my pregnancy. Even though my circumstances were different than Kristie's, I could relate to everything she felt and went through during her own tragedies. In fact, I marked 25 pages in the book where Kristie wrote something that really spoke to me. Some of these pages are marked in more than one place!
Kristie speaks out about how she felt that people belittled her grief because a "miscarriage isn't as bad as losing a real person". She expresses being frustrated with her husband because he didn't seem to understand her feelings. Then there is the questioning of God; "What was the point of that?" Also, there was the feeling of being punished; the anguish of seeing a baby that was the same age as her daughter should have been; trying hard not to cry and actually dreading the tears that she wanted to shed. All of these things are feelings and emotions that pierced my own heart during my grieving process. Naturally, some of these things still haunt me a year later.
If you are a grieving mother, I highly recommend reading Kristie's story. She is doing what I hope to do...using her losses to help other hurting parents. In fact, because I love this book and have been blessed by Kristie's own generosity, I would like to make my readers an offer. If you would like a copy of Unforgotten Children, please let me know via my comments section. I will purchase one copy each for the first 5 people who make a request to me for the book. Don't forget to leave me your email address so that I can contact you in order to get your mailing address. This offer is open until I receive requests from 5 different people.
If you would just like me to pray for you, I will do that, too. Sadly, we are all a part of a club that we never wanted to be in. May God bless and comfort each of us by bringing us together to help one another.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19
Moms, please allow God to allow Kristie to help you make your way through the desert and to be your stream in the wasteland. He is definitely at work through her!
I have only met Kristie online. In April of this year, I read an article that she had written on Christian Women Online. To my surprise, she replied back to me. Then I think I checked out her blog, she read mine, and we began corresponding via email. Kristie invited me to do a pregnancy loss Bible study with her online. I accepted. (Although, I still have 2 more chapters to do!)
She had told me that she was writing a book about the loss of her two daughters, Elizabeth and Sammi. Although the official release date of Unforgotten Children was December 1, I was able to order a copy early. It is a quick and easy read (not emotionally easy), and I think it will speak to every mom who has lost a child due to miscarriage, still birth, or early infant loss.
Kristie is quite candid about her thoughts and feelings regarding the loss of her two daughters...two beautiful babies born to Heaven. I miscarried last year during the 8th week of my pregnancy. Even though my circumstances were different than Kristie's, I could relate to everything she felt and went through during her own tragedies. In fact, I marked 25 pages in the book where Kristie wrote something that really spoke to me. Some of these pages are marked in more than one place!
Kristie speaks out about how she felt that people belittled her grief because a "miscarriage isn't as bad as losing a real person". She expresses being frustrated with her husband because he didn't seem to understand her feelings. Then there is the questioning of God; "What was the point of that?" Also, there was the feeling of being punished; the anguish of seeing a baby that was the same age as her daughter should have been; trying hard not to cry and actually dreading the tears that she wanted to shed. All of these things are feelings and emotions that pierced my own heart during my grieving process. Naturally, some of these things still haunt me a year later.
If you are a grieving mother, I highly recommend reading Kristie's story. She is doing what I hope to do...using her losses to help other hurting parents. In fact, because I love this book and have been blessed by Kristie's own generosity, I would like to make my readers an offer. If you would like a copy of Unforgotten Children, please let me know via my comments section. I will purchase one copy each for the first 5 people who make a request to me for the book. Don't forget to leave me your email address so that I can contact you in order to get your mailing address. This offer is open until I receive requests from 5 different people.
If you would just like me to pray for you, I will do that, too. Sadly, we are all a part of a club that we never wanted to be in. May God bless and comfort each of us by bringing us together to help one another.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:18-19
Moms, please allow God to allow Kristie to help you make your way through the desert and to be your stream in the wasteland. He is definitely at work through her!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For those of us who have lost a precious little one, today is a day to remember them. Although, we remember them every day. Not one day goes by that I don't think about the 5 month old baby we should have in our home right now. The baby I should have in my arms.
I think about how our boys (and the dog!) would be interacting with their little brother or sister. I think about how I would be a stay-at-home mommy again. Oh, and all the baby stuff that would be around the house! I think about having a third chance to get this parenting thing down right...all the things I would have done differently with this child. As we're parenting teenagers right now, I think of what it would have been like to have an 18-year-old in the house when we're 62!
For the past week, I have been wearing my ribbon pin that commemorates today. Not one person has asked me what this particular ribbon stands for. I'm rather surprised. I am thankful for the article Chatty Kelly wrote about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can read it here.
Tonight, families around the world will be lighting a candle for the baby (in many cases, babies) they have lost. It breaks my heart to have to be one of these families.
Please visit the the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day website to learn more about this day and other support they have to offer.
I think about how our boys (and the dog!) would be interacting with their little brother or sister. I think about how I would be a stay-at-home mommy again. Oh, and all the baby stuff that would be around the house! I think about having a third chance to get this parenting thing down right...all the things I would have done differently with this child. As we're parenting teenagers right now, I think of what it would have been like to have an 18-year-old in the house when we're 62!
For the past week, I have been wearing my ribbon pin that commemorates today. Not one person has asked me what this particular ribbon stands for. I'm rather surprised. I am thankful for the article Chatty Kelly wrote about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. You can read it here.
Tonight, families around the world will be lighting a candle for the baby (in many cases, babies) they have lost. It breaks my heart to have to be one of these families.
Please visit the the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day website to learn more about this day and other support they have to offer.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Remembering
On Tuesday, September 22nd, it will be one year since I had my first ultrasound and we saw our baby. It wasn't good news though. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks gestation when it should have been measuring at 8 weeks. It was too small to pick up a heartbeat. I tried to have hopeful thoughts. Maybe I got pregnant later than they thought. After all, the time period they estimated the conception was during a time my husband was out of town! The very next night I began miscarrying.
This morning I was reading Psalm 42 and realized that this is exactly how I felt for several months after the miscarriage. I was downcast and angry with God, yet I thirsted for Him at the same time. I feel compelled to write out this psalm here. For those of you who are not believers in God and maybe don't own a Bible, perhaps this will speak to you.
This morning I was reading Psalm 42 and realized that this is exactly how I felt for several months after the miscarriage. I was downcast and angry with God, yet I thirsted for Him at the same time. I feel compelled to write out this psalm here. For those of you who are not believers in God and maybe don't own a Bible, perhaps this will speak to you.
Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and
6 my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"
10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Amen.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Keeping Up
I haven't kept up with this blog like I thought I would. Trying to write 2 blogs isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Now that school has started and I'm back to work, it will be even more difficult.
I do want to share a few things tonight though. I'm still in the process of going through a pregnancy loss Bible study with my friend, Kristie. It has been a slow go just because I've been busy and Kristie just gave birth to a baby girl! Congratulations Kristie and family!
I was doing Lesson 8 tonight. One of the things it asked me to do was to name my baby if I hadn't already. Since I was only 8 weeks into the pregnancy when I miscarried, I have no idea whether our baby was a girl or a boy. This is how I answered that question:
If our baby was a girl, her name would have been Claren Jacalyn Johnson. My husband’s favorite grandfather was named Clarence, so that’s where Claren comes from. My middle name was Jacalyn before I took my maiden name as my middle name.
The week before the miscarriage we told our sons that I was pregnant. We told them to come up with a boy’s name because we didn’t have one. In less than an hour, they came up with Nolan. I’m not sure what his middle name would have been.
In my gut, I feel it is Claren who is in Heaven. I haven’t asked Eric if he has a feeling either way as to whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I just always pictured us having 2 boys first and then a little girl further down the road.
I was also asked to write a letter to God about our baby. Here is what I wrote:
Dear God,
I know you are taking care of our child and I thank you for that. Please hold her and rock her and let her know how much we love her and miss her. Tell her that we’ll never forget her and that we can’t wait to meet her someday in Heaven.
I wish she was here for us to cuddle with. I would have loved to have seen her with her big brothers! She would have been spoiled by them! I wish we could see her smile and hear her giggle. I bet she is blue eyed and blond like her brothers.
I would finally have had someone to share my favorite childhood books with…Little Women and the Little House series! And all the pink in the house would have driven her brothers crazy! She would have kept her dad and me young seeing that we would have been 62 by the time she graduated from high school!
Please make sure that she knows my brother and her two little boy cousins. I pray that they are playing together and keeping each other company until the rest of their families are with them.
And please God, keep your hands of hope and grace resting upon the shoulders of Eric and I, especially when our grief washes over us as we go about our days. Someday we will understand Your ways and know the good that has come from our loss. Please give me the words and ways to comfort and minister to other grieving mothers.
Lord, we have given our child over to you. We trust that Your ways are best and that You will be a far better parent to our little one than we ever could have been. Please make her feel safe and secure and most of all, loved.
Thank you God for this third child that I always knew was meant to be, even though she wasn’t meant to be here with us physically. She will always be in our hearts and our spirits.
Amen.
I also want to take this opportunity to plug Kristie's book here. Her newborn baby is actually her fourth daughter, however, the middle two were born straight into Heaven. Kristie has written a book about her experience of suffering through two miscarriages. It is her hope that sharing their testimony of healing will help others going through the same thing. The book is entitled "Unforgotten Children". You can go here to order it through Tate Publishing. It will actually be released in book stores on December 1. Kristie is much younger than I am but has a lot of wisdom! Also, please visit her blog!
I pray that my words here and Kristie's words will help those of you struggling with the loss of a baby. Please feel free to contact me with questions or comments. I really want to minister to families who have faced this kind of loss.
Blessings and love to you all!
I do want to share a few things tonight though. I'm still in the process of going through a pregnancy loss Bible study with my friend, Kristie. It has been a slow go just because I've been busy and Kristie just gave birth to a baby girl! Congratulations Kristie and family!
I was doing Lesson 8 tonight. One of the things it asked me to do was to name my baby if I hadn't already. Since I was only 8 weeks into the pregnancy when I miscarried, I have no idea whether our baby was a girl or a boy. This is how I answered that question:
If our baby was a girl, her name would have been Claren Jacalyn Johnson. My husband’s favorite grandfather was named Clarence, so that’s where Claren comes from. My middle name was Jacalyn before I took my maiden name as my middle name.
The week before the miscarriage we told our sons that I was pregnant. We told them to come up with a boy’s name because we didn’t have one. In less than an hour, they came up with Nolan. I’m not sure what his middle name would have been.
In my gut, I feel it is Claren who is in Heaven. I haven’t asked Eric if he has a feeling either way as to whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I just always pictured us having 2 boys first and then a little girl further down the road.
I was also asked to write a letter to God about our baby. Here is what I wrote:
Dear God,
I know you are taking care of our child and I thank you for that. Please hold her and rock her and let her know how much we love her and miss her. Tell her that we’ll never forget her and that we can’t wait to meet her someday in Heaven.
I wish she was here for us to cuddle with. I would have loved to have seen her with her big brothers! She would have been spoiled by them! I wish we could see her smile and hear her giggle. I bet she is blue eyed and blond like her brothers.
I would finally have had someone to share my favorite childhood books with…Little Women and the Little House series! And all the pink in the house would have driven her brothers crazy! She would have kept her dad and me young seeing that we would have been 62 by the time she graduated from high school!
Please make sure that she knows my brother and her two little boy cousins. I pray that they are playing together and keeping each other company until the rest of their families are with them.
And please God, keep your hands of hope and grace resting upon the shoulders of Eric and I, especially when our grief washes over us as we go about our days. Someday we will understand Your ways and know the good that has come from our loss. Please give me the words and ways to comfort and minister to other grieving mothers.
Lord, we have given our child over to you. We trust that Your ways are best and that You will be a far better parent to our little one than we ever could have been. Please make her feel safe and secure and most of all, loved.
Thank you God for this third child that I always knew was meant to be, even though she wasn’t meant to be here with us physically. She will always be in our hearts and our spirits.
Amen.
I also want to take this opportunity to plug Kristie's book here. Her newborn baby is actually her fourth daughter, however, the middle two were born straight into Heaven. Kristie has written a book about her experience of suffering through two miscarriages. It is her hope that sharing their testimony of healing will help others going through the same thing. The book is entitled "Unforgotten Children". You can go here to order it through Tate Publishing. It will actually be released in book stores on December 1. Kristie is much younger than I am but has a lot of wisdom! Also, please visit her blog!
I pray that my words here and Kristie's words will help those of you struggling with the loss of a baby. Please feel free to contact me with questions or comments. I really want to minister to families who have faced this kind of loss.
Blessings and love to you all!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Group B Strep
If you'll notice on my side bar, I have a link for Group B Strep International. I was surfing the web last night and discovered that July is International Group B Strep Awareness Month. I decided to add it to both of my blogs because I was diagnosed with Group B when I was pregnant with my younger son.
Three months before he was due, I began feeling like I had a vaginal infection. My doctor tested me for Group B and it was positive. In 1997, this wasn't a test that was routine. I believe it is screened for more now, as it should be. If the mother is left untreated during labor and delivery, the risk is high for the baby to die or be sick or left with a disability.
At age 2 1/2, my younger son was diagnosed as hard of hearing and has worn hearing aids ever since. I can't exactly say that his hearing loss is due to Group B Strep, but I can't rule it out either. I was given antibiotics during labor and delivery, but I still wonder about his disability. I just want to make others aware of this infection with the hope of preventing any of you and your babies from having to deal with this. If you're pregnant, PLEASE request Group B Strep testing! It's a very easy test to have done and well worth it.
Three months before he was due, I began feeling like I had a vaginal infection. My doctor tested me for Group B and it was positive. In 1997, this wasn't a test that was routine. I believe it is screened for more now, as it should be. If the mother is left untreated during labor and delivery, the risk is high for the baby to die or be sick or left with a disability.
At age 2 1/2, my younger son was diagnosed as hard of hearing and has worn hearing aids ever since. I can't exactly say that his hearing loss is due to Group B Strep, but I can't rule it out either. I was given antibiotics during labor and delivery, but I still wonder about his disability. I just want to make others aware of this infection with the hope of preventing any of you and your babies from having to deal with this. If you're pregnant, PLEASE request Group B Strep testing! It's a very easy test to have done and well worth it.
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