Remembering

On Tuesday, September 22nd, it will be one year since I had my first ultrasound and we saw our baby. It wasn't good news though. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks gestation when it should have been measuring at 8 weeks. It was too small to pick up a heartbeat. I tried to have hopeful thoughts. Maybe I got pregnant later than they thought. After all, the time period they estimated the conception was during a time my husband was out of town! The very next night I began miscarrying.

This morning I was reading Psalm 42 and realized that this is exactly how I felt for several months after the miscarriage. I was downcast and angry with God, yet I thirsted for Him at the same time. I feel compelled to write out this psalm here. For those of you who are not believers in God and maybe don't own a Bible, perhaps this will speak to you.

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night,

while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go with the multitude,

leading the procession to the house of God,

with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and

6 my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Amen.