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Sunday, April 4, 2010


In the past month, I've had a few dreams about having a baby. I remember in the last one that it was a little boy. It wasn't the same baby that I had miscarried. In the dream I kept smelling his head and breathing in his baby scent. I remember thinking that God had blessed us with another child after the loss of our other baby. I figure I've been having these dreams because the month of May is coming up and it would have been our baby's first birthday.

Ever since miscarrying, I've been surrounded by pregnant women. One of my assistants is pregnant and due in May. Many of the moms of my students have either had babies this school year or are pregnant. One of these moms brought her month old daughter to me this week and said, "I thought you might want to hold a baby." I was very touched by this mother's thoughtfulness. I wanted to sit there and sniff her baby's head, but I thought that would seem weird. So I just held her. The odd thing was that I felt nothing as I held her. It made me wonder if I was "over it".

Then two other things happened this week. I found out that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a baby boy in July, and I began reading your blogs again. Suddenly the feelings came flooding back. I was in Target on Friday and kept seeing people with young babies. The babies would start to fuss or cry, and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I think what is adding insult to injury is that I know I'm too old to have a baby now. I was 43 when I got pregnant and miscarried at 8 weeks. Now I'm 45. I read your blogs and you all are so much younger and have either had another child or are at least able to have another one. I feel like the little one we lost was our last chance.

I feel so very blessed to have the two sons whom I can hold and mother. But I always felt we were supposed to have three kids (here on earth), and I feel ripped off. If truth be told, I wish my husband and I could start over again, make different decisions and have a quiver full of children.

I feel selfish for feeling the way I do because I know many women just long to hold one baby of their own. My own longing just makes my heart ache for myself and for them.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Butterfly Mommies April Giveaway

I know...I haven't been around for quite a while. Lots going on lately and if you visit my other blog, you'll read about what I've been up to. (Mainly illnesses!) I'm just starting to get back to the blogosphere with my own posts and reading others' blogs.

I just saw the April giveaway over at Butterfly Mommies. Kristie V. I am still alive! I thought I'd enter even though I haven't posted anything lately. I do have some things that have occurred recently that I'd like to write about.

Butterfly Mommies is asking, "What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers?" My answer is simple. Acknowledge the loss. Even if it was a first trimester miscarriage as mine was. The pain is still as real for the parents even if they never got to see their baby. I don't even know if our baby was a boy or a girl. It still hurts. I found myself battling tears just this week, and it has been a year and a half since our loss.

One of our friends sent us flowers when I miscarried. My coworker and good friend brought me homemade chocolate chip cookies on my due date. Just acknowledge the life that was lost. And if the parents mention the baby in conversation years down the road, don't brush the topic under the rug. That is their child even if the pregnancy lasted only a few weeks. He or she just lives in Heaven now rather than here on earth.

Well, that's my answer. I look forward to visiting your blogs to see how you all answered this question. Blessings!