Ever since miscarrying, I've been surrounded by pregnant women. One of my assistants is pregnant and due in May. Many of the moms of my students have either had babies this school year or are pregnant. One of these moms brought her month old daughter to me this week and said, "I thought you might want to hold a baby." I was very touched by this mother's thoughtfulness. I wanted to sit there and sniff her baby's head, but I thought that would seem weird. So I just held her. The odd thing was that I felt nothing as I held her. It made me wonder if I was "over it".
Then two other things happened this week. I found out that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a baby boy in July, and I began reading your blogs again. Suddenly the feelings came flooding back. I was in Target on Friday and kept seeing people with young babies. The babies would start to fuss or cry, and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.
I think what is adding insult to injury is that I know I'm too old to have a baby now. I was 43 when I got pregnant and miscarried at 8 weeks. Now I'm 45. I read your blogs and you all are so much younger and have either had another child or are at least able to have another one. I feel like the little one we lost was our last chance.
I feel so very blessed to have the two sons whom I can hold and mother. But I always felt we were supposed to have three kids (here on earth), and I feel ripped off. If truth be told, I wish my husband and I could start over again, make different decisions and have a quiver full of children.
I feel selfish for feeling the way I do because I know many women just long to hold one baby of their own. My own longing just makes my heart ache for myself and for them.