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Sunday, April 4, 2010


In the past month, I've had a few dreams about having a baby. I remember in the last one that it was a little boy. It wasn't the same baby that I had miscarried. In the dream I kept smelling his head and breathing in his baby scent. I remember thinking that God had blessed us with another child after the loss of our other baby. I figure I've been having these dreams because the month of May is coming up and it would have been our baby's first birthday.

Ever since miscarrying, I've been surrounded by pregnant women. One of my assistants is pregnant and due in May. Many of the moms of my students have either had babies this school year or are pregnant. One of these moms brought her month old daughter to me this week and said, "I thought you might want to hold a baby." I was very touched by this mother's thoughtfulness. I wanted to sit there and sniff her baby's head, but I thought that would seem weird. So I just held her. The odd thing was that I felt nothing as I held her. It made me wonder if I was "over it".

Then two other things happened this week. I found out that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a baby boy in July, and I began reading your blogs again. Suddenly the feelings came flooding back. I was in Target on Friday and kept seeing people with young babies. The babies would start to fuss or cry, and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I think what is adding insult to injury is that I know I'm too old to have a baby now. I was 43 when I got pregnant and miscarried at 8 weeks. Now I'm 45. I read your blogs and you all are so much younger and have either had another child or are at least able to have another one. I feel like the little one we lost was our last chance.

I feel so very blessed to have the two sons whom I can hold and mother. But I always felt we were supposed to have three kids (here on earth), and I feel ripped off. If truth be told, I wish my husband and I could start over again, make different decisions and have a quiver full of children.

I feel selfish for feeling the way I do because I know many women just long to hold one baby of their own. My own longing just makes my heart ache for myself and for them.


  1. You are NOT being selfish and you are NOT too old. Well, it would be tough and I am not talking about carrying or giving birth...I am talking about truly being old and chasing a teenager! Doug's children were adopted when he was 40 and then again at 44. I had my kids young...GOD gives us what we need. When Doug's first wife died...later we blended families and I gained two daughters...I am not there mom..but I do those mommie things and I love them as my own. I am blessed. Being a mom comes in all shapes and sizes. I always wanted a little I have 2.
    I don't even know what I am trying to say...I am just speaking from my heart..I don't know what GOD wants you to hear. I do know HE wants to heal your heart and that HE loves you very much. BTW: I love you, too.

  2. Leslie, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. It's so hard when the feelings hit so HARD! After loosing Isaiah, it was almost torture to watch other women with their "babies." I also felt so ripped off, just like you feel. I think that we do try and let go a little bit, and then something triggers us, and we feel the loss so strongly.... it just kills. It's really difficult to realize how old your child would be right now too. Throw in a couple of boys that are getting to "old" for the fun stuff, and it can be so hard to deal with everything going on in your day.

    Keep getting support from those who love and support you, and stay strong in the Lord. He is our hope. Our EVERYTHING!



  3. we are not all as young as you think..... i too just gave birth to what i thought was my "last chance" and she was born still. she was my 8th baby. i only have 4 living children. (NOT complaining mind you!!! i am VERRRRRY grateful and cherish each day) every time i have to say goodbye to my child, the ache gets stronger, the feelings go deeper and the longing becomes more insistent...... my pattern was to have one, lose one... then i had 2 in a row and i was ecstatic! then i lost 2 in a row and i maintain hope only out of faith and obedience.

    sarah gave birth at 100!!!! i tell myself:) God's best miracles are when it isn't humanly possible:)

    prayers for you today my friend

  4. Without making this too long. I miscarried my first two children in my early 20's, had five healthy babies, miscarried at age 42, then exactly two years later, I was pregnant again and gave birth to a healthy, 10 pound 4 oz baby boy two days before I turned 45!

    I still miss the three I miscarried. Even today I thought about how life would be with the last one and my four year would be wonderful and full.

    Even with six I still feel the loss.
    My husband bought me a baby shoe charm on the third pregnancy loss, when I am having a hard time I will put that necklace on and wear it to reminded me of the others.

    Just let yourself grieve...and I never feel you are too old until God closes your womb.

  5. I actually came over for Thankful Thursday from Greg's. I am an older mom, just turned 50 with 15,13,8 yr old boys and a 4 yr old girl...I also lost 3 due to miscarriage...1 between the 13 and 8 yr old and 2 within 6 months when my youngest son was 2. Then after I turned 45 I went to the doctor for my yearly, thought I was in menepause and came out 12 weeks pregnant. All my miscarriages were between 10-12 weeks. I still feel the loss...but time is a great healer. It is not as hard now as it was earlier, now it feels more bittersweet, wondering how it would be with all 7...but I also knew as I cried over each of them, that God was crying with me. And somehow that comforted me more then anything else..He knew my pain.

  6. Hi Leslie! Thanks for your comments on my blog. I now follow you on this one and I'll go to your other one now too! Have a good weekend!

    Groschen Goblins

  7. Hey Leslie, it's been so long, but today I just wanted to tell you that I was thinking of you, and your angel baby, and I wanted you to know that I'm hoping your Mother's day is a blessed one. Love to you my friend, Kristie

  8. All will be fine dear. These is one phase of life. God will give you the strength to overcome it. All my good wishes and love is there with you. Take care.


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