Keeping Up

I haven't kept up with this blog like I thought I would. Trying to write 2 blogs isn't as easy as I thought it would be. Now that school has started and I'm back to work, it will be even more difficult.

I do want to share a few things tonight though. I'm still in the process of going through a pregnancy loss Bible study with my friend, Kristie. It has been a slow go just because I've been busy and Kristie just gave birth to a baby girl! Congratulations Kristie and family!

I was doing Lesson 8 tonight. One of the things it asked me to do was to name my baby if I hadn't already. Since I was only 8 weeks into the pregnancy when I miscarried, I have no idea whether our baby was a girl or a boy. This is how I answered that question:

If our baby was a girl, her name would have been Claren Jacalyn Johnson. My husband’s favorite grandfather was named Clarence, so that’s where Claren comes from. My middle name was Jacalyn before I took my maiden name as my middle name.

The week before the miscarriage we told our sons that I was pregnant. We told them to come up with a boy’s name because we didn’t have one. In less than an hour, they came up with Nolan. I’m not sure what his middle name would have been.

In my gut, I feel it is Claren who is in Heaven. I haven’t asked Eric if he has a feeling either way as to whether our baby was a boy or a girl. I just always pictured us having 2 boys first and then a little girl further down the road.

I was also asked to write a letter to God about our baby. Here is what I wrote:

Dear God,

I know you are taking care of our child and I thank you for that. Please hold her and rock her and let her know how much we love her and miss her. Tell her that we’ll never forget her and that we can’t wait to meet her someday in Heaven.

I wish she was here for us to cuddle with. I would have loved to have seen her with her big brothers! She would have been spoiled by them! I wish we could see her smile and hear her giggle. I bet she is blue eyed and blond like her brothers.

I would finally have had someone to share my favorite childhood books with…Little Women and the Little House series! And all the pink in the house would have driven her brothers crazy! She would have kept her dad and me young seeing that we would have been 62 by the time she graduated from high school!

Please make sure that she knows my brother and her two little boy cousins. I pray that they are playing together and keeping each other company until the rest of their families are with them.

And please God, keep your hands of hope and grace resting upon the shoulders of Eric and I, especially when our grief washes over us as we go about our days. Someday we will understand Your ways and know the good that has come from our loss. Please give me the words and ways to comfort and minister to other grieving mothers.

Lord, we have given our child over to you. We trust that Your ways are best and that You will be a far better parent to our little one than we ever could have been. Please make her feel safe and secure and most of all, loved.

Thank you God for this third child that I always knew was meant to be, even though she wasn’t meant to be here with us physically. She will always be in our hearts and our spirits.

Amen.

I also want to take this opportunity to plug Kristie's book here. Her newborn baby is actually her fourth daughter, however, the middle two were born straight into Heaven. Kristie has written a book about her experience of suffering through two miscarriages. It is her hope that sharing their testimony of healing will help others going through the same thing. The book is entitled "Unforgotten Children". You can go here to order it through Tate Publishing. It will actually be released in book stores on December 1. Kristie is much younger than I am but has a lot of wisdom! Also, please visit her blog!

I pray that my words here and Kristie's words will help those of you struggling with the loss of a baby. Please feel free to contact me with questions or comments. I really want to minister to families who have faced this kind of loss.

Blessings and love to you all!

Bible Study Week 2

This week's lesson was much longer than last week's, so I'm only going to share my answers to a few of the questions. In some cases, I may repeat things that I relayed in My Story in my first post. I pray that you can bear with me and that the relaying of my experience will be a comfort to others who are suffering because of their own losses.

The first question was: Where do I go to find out the truth?

I was really just kind of numb for several weeks after the miscarriage and didn’t want to talk about it much. We did tell our Pastor, and he asked to meet with us about a month after it happened. He wanted to see how we were handling it. His concern was that a lot of people didn’t know about it and that we were dealing with it alone. The first thing our Pastor asked was how we were doing. My husband just started talking, rambling really. I don’t really recall what he said, but I think he got off topic. Finally, our Pastor turned to me and asked me the same question again. I said that I was upset, but not as upset as I would be if something had happened to one of our boys. He then asked how the two of us were doing together. Eric spoke right up and said things could be better.

To be honest, I was really angry with Eric during this time period. About 2 weeks after we lost our baby, Eric’s brother told him that he and his wife were expecting. Eric didn’t relay this to me in the most sensitive of ways, and I was ticked with him. He also couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy for his brother and sister-in-law. So he was right when he said that things could be better.

I think our Pastor asked if we wanted to have some kind of memorial for the baby, but we declined. Part of me felt it was silly because I had only been 8 weeks pregnant, and part of me didn’t want to go through some sad memorial and display my emotions publicly.

Can I ever understand why? Here I was supposed to list questions I have regarding my miscarriage:

Why did God wait until I was 43 to let me become pregnant again?

Several years ago, why did my oldest son tell me that Jesus told him that I would have another baby?

If I wanted a third child so badly, why did I cry when I found out that I was pregnant (and they weren’t happy tears)?

Why didn’t I have more faith in God about the health and well being of this pregnancy and child?

How can God help me deal with losing my baby? There were three Bible verses that I was asked to look up and then I was to list at least one way God will help me based on each of these verses.

Jn. 14:15-18 He gives us the Holy Spirit.

2 Cor. 1:3-4 He will comfort me in all of my troubles.

Rev. 21:4 He will wipe away my tears. I will not mourn or cry anymore.

How did you experience God's comfort at the time of your loss? How would you like to be comforted now?

I experienced God’s comfort through the ladies I work with. I know they were all praying for me and my family. I received emails, card and hugs of love from them throughout the entire school year. My one co-worker brought over chocolate chip cookies on the baby’s due date. One couple we know sent us flowers when I miscarried. I really didn’t find my husband comforting until we approached the due date. He knew I wanted to do something as a tribute to the baby. Together we came up with the idea of getting a heart shaped emerald ring. The baby’s due date was May 2 and emerald is the birthstone for May. One change I did notice in my husband after our loss is that he has opened up more spiritually.

I don’t know how I want to be comforted now. I feel I want to reach out and comfort other moms who are suffering due to the loss of a child. I think that will give me comfort. Going through this study will allow me to comfort other moms in the future.

This week's lesson ended with these two Bible verses to give each of us hope:

Romans 5:3-5 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 15:4 For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.

Moms, and yes you are a mom even if all of your children are in Heaven, I pray that God's Word will comfort you. I pray that He will use me to guide you to Bible passages that will bring you some understanding of what you've been through and that will bring you some peace. I pray that you will feel His presence in your life and His loving arms around you, cradling you just as you would cradle your own child.