Longing

In the past month, I've had a few dreams about having a baby. I remember in the last one that it was a little boy. It wasn't the same baby that I had miscarried. In the dream I kept smelling his head and breathing in his baby scent. I remember thinking that God had blessed us with another child after the loss of our other baby. I figure I've been having these dreams because the month of May is coming up and it would have been our baby's first birthday.

Ever since miscarrying, I've been surrounded by pregnant women. One of my assistants is pregnant and due in May. Many of the moms of my students have either had babies this school year or are pregnant. One of these moms brought her month old daughter to me this week and said, "I thought you might want to hold a baby." I was very touched by this mother's thoughtfulness. I wanted to sit there and sniff her baby's head, but I thought that would seem weird. So I just held her. The odd thing was that I felt nothing as I held her. It made me wonder if I was "over it".

Then two other things happened this week. I found out that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a baby boy in July, and I began reading your blogs again. Suddenly the feelings came flooding back. I was in Target on Friday and kept seeing people with young babies. The babies would start to fuss or cry, and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I think what is adding insult to injury is that I know I'm too old to have a baby now. I was 43 when I got pregnant and miscarried at 8 weeks. Now I'm 45. I read your blogs and you all are so much younger and have either had another child or are at least able to have another one. I feel like the little one we lost was our last chance.

I feel so very blessed to have the two sons whom I can hold and mother. But I always felt we were supposed to have three kids (here on earth), and I feel ripped off. If truth be told, I wish my husband and I could start over again, make different decisions and have a quiver full of children.

I feel selfish for feeling the way I do because I know many women just long to hold one baby of their own. My own longing just makes my heart ache for myself and for them.

Baby Names

While we were in the Outer Banks over Thanksgiving, I had the chance to walk the beach alone and spend some time in prayer. I was specifically talking to God about our baby. I asked Him to take care of our little one and to guide me in helping others who have experienced this kind of loss.

Along the way, I picked up a stick and wrote the names Claren and Nolan in the sand. Since I miscarried at 8 weeks, I don't know if our baby was a boy or a girl. Claren is the name we picked out for a little girl the first time I was pregnant. The name is in memory of Eric's favorite grandfather, Clarence. Since we have two sons, we never got to use this name. When we told our sons that I was pregnant, we asked them to come up with a boy's name because we didn't have any in mind. They came up with Nolan. Eric and I really liked it.

I think our sons wanted a little brother, but I just have the feeling our baby was a girl. I always thought we'd have two sons close in age and then a daughter a few years down the road. Our boys are 2 1/2 years apart. They would have been 14 and 11 1/2 when the baby was born. (That's a little more "down the road" than I expected!) When I imagine what our life would have been like right now, I see a baby girl with her big brothers doting on her. I see pink clothing and little hair bows (even though I can't do hair!). I hear her "oohing and ahhhing" over the Christmas tree lights. This would have been her first Christmas, and I can feel the excitement of celebrating the season with a new babe in the house.

I know God has his reasons for keeping our child with Him and that he or she is so blessed to be in His presence right now. But I still long for what might have been.

Remembering

On Tuesday, September 22nd, it will be one year since I had my first ultrasound and we saw our baby. It wasn't good news though. The baby was only measuring at 6 weeks gestation when it should have been measuring at 8 weeks. It was too small to pick up a heartbeat. I tried to have hopeful thoughts. Maybe I got pregnant later than they thought. After all, the time period they estimated the conception was during a time my husband was out of town! The very next night I began miscarrying.

This morning I was reading Psalm 42 and realized that this is exactly how I felt for several months after the miscarriage. I was downcast and angry with God, yet I thirsted for Him at the same time. I feel compelled to write out this psalm here. For those of you who are not believers in God and maybe don't own a Bible, perhaps this will speak to you.

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.

2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night,

while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul:

how I used to go with the multitude,

leading the procession to the house of God,

with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and

6 my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,

saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?

Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

Amen.