YouTube Video: Hug Him Once for Me

Cheryl over at We Are Nine shared this video on her blog, and I just had to share it with you all. Thank you Cheryl. Unfortunately, this video speaks to way too many of us. Although, like the writer of this song, we are comforted in knowing that our little angels are with Jesus.

Naming Our Angel

Walking With You is asking that we share how we chose the names for our babies and if there is any special meaning behind them.

Since I miscarried at 8 weeks, I have no idea if our angel in Heaven is a little boy or girl. Sometimes I think it's our one and only daughter and other times I feel I have four sons. I just don't know and won't know until I meet our heavenly father.

If our baby is a girl, her name is Claren Jacalyn. This is the name we chose for a little girl during my first pregnancy. My husband's favorite grandfather was named Clarence, hence Claren. My middle name is Jacalyn, so that was an easy pick. (My middle name is after my brother, Jackie, who passed away a year prior to my birth.)

If our baby is a boy, his name is Nolan. We had told our oldest two boys that I was pregnant only a few days before I miscarried. They came up with the name Nolan. We never had a chance to discuss a middle name for him.

I feel badly, however, that when I was pregnant with our youngest son, we still planned to use our little girl name if he had been a girl. I feel as though we should have come up with another name just in case our angel is a girl. After all, we never even considered the name Nolan even after we found out we were having another son.

When we went to the Outerbanks for Thanksgiving in 2009, I wrote Claren and Nolan's names in the sand. I did this alone because I felt the rest of my family would think it was silly.

P.S. I'm having some formatting problems with this post, so if it looks funny, that's why :-/

Dream Come True

I just read my last post for the first time since writing it. The first paragraph is both haunting and wondrous to me at the same time. Since writing that post, a true miracle has occurred in my life.

Daniel Finn

Longing

In the past month, I've had a few dreams about having a baby. I remember in the last one that it was a little boy. It wasn't the same baby that I had miscarried. In the dream I kept smelling his head and breathing in his baby scent. I remember thinking that God had blessed us with another child after the loss of our other baby. I figure I've been having these dreams because the month of May is coming up and it would have been our baby's first birthday.

Ever since miscarrying, I've been surrounded by pregnant women. One of my assistants is pregnant and due in May. Many of the moms of my students have either had babies this school year or are pregnant. One of these moms brought her month old daughter to me this week and said, "I thought you might want to hold a baby." I was very touched by this mother's thoughtfulness. I wanted to sit there and sniff her baby's head, but I thought that would seem weird. So I just held her. The odd thing was that I felt nothing as I held her. It made me wonder if I was "over it".

Then two other things happened this week. I found out that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a baby boy in July, and I began reading your blogs again. Suddenly the feelings came flooding back. I was in Target on Friday and kept seeing people with young babies. The babies would start to fuss or cry, and I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I think what is adding insult to injury is that I know I'm too old to have a baby now. I was 43 when I got pregnant and miscarried at 8 weeks. Now I'm 45. I read your blogs and you all are so much younger and have either had another child or are at least able to have another one. I feel like the little one we lost was our last chance.

I feel so very blessed to have the two sons whom I can hold and mother. But I always felt we were supposed to have three kids (here on earth), and I feel ripped off. If truth be told, I wish my husband and I could start over again, make different decisions and have a quiver full of children.

I feel selfish for feeling the way I do because I know many women just long to hold one baby of their own. My own longing just makes my heart ache for myself and for them.

Butterfly Mommies April Giveaway

I know...I haven't been around for quite a while. Lots going on lately and if you visit my other blog, you'll read about what I've been up to. (Mainly illnesses!) I'm just starting to get back to the blogosphere with my own posts and reading others' blogs.

I just saw the April giveaway over at Butterfly Mommies. Kristie V. I am still alive! I thought I'd enter even though I haven't posted anything lately. I do have some things that have occurred recently that I'd like to write about.

Butterfly Mommies is asking, "What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers?" My answer is simple. Acknowledge the loss. Even if it was a first trimester miscarriage as mine was. The pain is still as real for the parents even if they never got to see their baby. I don't even know if our baby was a boy or a girl. It still hurts. I found myself battling tears just this week, and it has been a year and a half since our loss.

One of our friends sent us flowers when I miscarried. My coworker and good friend brought me homemade chocolate chip cookies on my due date. Just acknowledge the life that was lost. And if the parents mention the baby in conversation years down the road, don't brush the topic under the rug. That is their child even if the pregnancy lasted only a few weeks. He or she just lives in Heaven now rather than here on earth.

Well, that's my answer. I look forward to visiting your blogs to see how you all answered this question. Blessings!

Compassion International

Many of you know that we sponsor a boy in Brazil through Compassion International. I recently signed up for Compassion's What I want for Christmas program. I am committed to finding a sponsor for one child by December 31.The little boy's name is Andres Fuentes Nunez. He is 7 years old and lives in Peru. Andres lives with his mother and 2 siblings. His mother is only employed some of the time.

Sponsoring a child means a financial commitment of $38 per month, plus you get the pleasure of exchanging letters with them. (I just received a letter from our child today!) If you would like more info about Compassion International, please go to http://www.compassion.com/. My boss recently attended an event where the president of Compassion spoke, and she was lucky enough to go on a tour of their Colorado offices. She was very impressed!

I know we are all facing financial hardships right now, but I still wanted to pass along this information in case any of you would be interested in sponsoring Andres or if you might know of someone else who would be interested. Please keep Andres in your prayers and pray that I can find a sponsor for him. If anyone out there is interested, I can mail you the info you need in order to begin your sponsorship. Thank you!

Unforgotton Children

I still have two copies of Kristie's book, Unforgotten Children, available to give away. Please leave a comment with your email address if you would like one.

Blessings!